Talk given by Valerie and Vicki, Chris’s sister and mother at ChrisWalk Rally 2008.
Don’t
Quit
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will
When the road your trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is strange with it’s twists and turns
As everyone of us sometimes learns
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out
Don’t give up, though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit
It’s when things seem worst
That you must not quit!
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will
When the road your trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is strange with it’s twists and turns
As everyone of us sometimes learns
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out
Don’t give up, though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit
It’s when things seem worst
That you must not quit!
Author
Anonymous
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My name is Valerie and I am Chris’s sister. Chris sent me this poem in a letter that he wrote from jail in 2001. He was determined never to give up and never to quit fighting his addiction to heroin.
Today, I can honestly say that Chris Foley did not quit.
And we, as his family and friends are here today, walking to show people that we will not quit either.
We will never quit loving and remembering Chris.
We will never quit sharing his story.
We will never quit raising awareness about the severity of substance abuse in our families and in the world today.
We will never quit showing our loved ones that are addicts that there is a way out and that there is hope.
We will never quit just as Chris never quit all the way up until the day he died.
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(VICKI)
Since you’ve heard from the other speakers this morning who gave you info about substance abuse and addiction, we feel like it is our job to share with you who Chris was and tell you his personal story.
I had the opportunity to mother Chris for 27 wonderful years until he died of a heroin overdose on July 15th, one year ago. He was loved as a son, a brother, a father, a nephew, a cousin, and a friend. Although Chris made some poor choices in life, he was a good kid and he was on the road to recovery when his life ended too short.
Instead of Valerie and I trying to put into our own words the struggle that Chris fought throughout the 10 years of his addiction, we would like to read you some of his words in some letters that he had written from jail. At times Chris would say that the drugs had a hold on him.
In one of his letters, he wrote, “I know that I am better than this and I don’t need this. I need to stop contributing to the cycle. It’s just so hard to stay away from the drugs. It’s almost as though they “call for me”. I really need your help. I love you so much.
He also realized that his addiction was not only affecting himself, but it was affecting his family and friends and all those that loved him.
“During my addiction, I didn’t realize how it was not only affecting me, but also my family. You guys didn’t deserve all the pain I caused you and I’m extremely sorry. I was selfish and didn’t care who I hurt. You guys have stuck by me through all of this and I am forever grateful. I am so lucky to have the family I do. Please stick by me and help me through my recovery.
(VALERIE)
In the same year, Chris knew that heroin was becoming a true addiction, something he couldn’t live without. Some of you today are feeling the same way or you know a loved one that is struggling so hard to leave an addiction behind. Here are Chris’ words about how heroin was affecting his daily life.
“I realize that I am a heroin addict and mentally, I will always be one. I hated living my life around drugs. I hate to say it, but they were the center of my life. All of my actions reflected my drug use. I didn’t feel secure or important unless I was high. I was high about 16 hours a day, and the other 8, I was sleeping. I had to get high the moment I woke up and even right before bed. I couldn’t even function without my heroin. Now is that a way to live? I am not a stupid person, I just make stupid decisions. I didn’t like the person that I had become. Please believe me when I say that I want to change. I truly do, and I will.
He wrote: “I can’t live in that old lifestyle and I won’t. I know it is going to be a struggle, but I am giving all my effort and I will succeed. I never wanted to admit that I needed others to survive. I always believed I could do it on my own. Now I know that I can’t do it on my own and I need your help.
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(VICKI)
Chris’ Walk Against Substance Abuse is a walk to bring awareness to our communities that substance abuse and addiction is more prevalent in our neighborhoods than we think. Instead of hiding from it or pushing it under the rug out of embarrassment, get some help. Whether you are a family member whose love one is addicted or if you are the addict yourself, there is help when you need it. Don’t try to do things on your own as Chris did for some time, take advantage of the support you have around you and the programs that are available like Hearts of Hope and many more.
We read these parts of Chris’ letters because some of you needed to hear that Chris was just a normal kid who fell into a serious addiction. It could have been anyone, but it was my son. Chris was truly making an effort to change and I had seen so many good things coming from his life and even from his death. Through Chris’ death, people have turned away from drugs. They’ve learned from his mistakes and taken a different road.
We would like his story to give you hope that you can change the road you are going down. As family members, you can support your loved one. Love them and get them help. Be there for them and pray for them.
Addiction is not only about drugs either. Even though Cocaine and Heroin top the charts in the most addictive drugs, addictions cover a wide range of substances. You cannot go into a grocery store and buy cold or allergy medicine anymore without a store associate unlocking a locked case because youth are using the medicines to get high. And lets not forget alcohol as it is far more available and it’s legal. Recent articles in the newspaper tell us that parents are buying alcohol for their teens and are treating alcohol as if it were no big thing. Alcoholism is an addiction too! Yet today we are here to share with you that there is hope through it all. Chris’ Walk Against Substance Abuse is about just that...hope.
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(VALERIE)
We’d like to thank all of you for coming out today and walking for a purpose. Thank you for walking to fight against substance abuse. Chris died one year ago this coming Tuesday and as his family and friends, we cannot think of a better way to spend the anniversary of his death than to help others who are fighting the same fight that he did.
"There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak up.”Ecclesiastes Chapter 3. We know that it was Chris’ time to die and now it is our time to speak up!
Chris wrote in one of his letters: “The way I see it, things could be worse. I’m lucky that the drugs didn’t kill me” That was in 2001. Chris lived another 6 years fighting his addiction to heroin. Even though the drugs did indeed kill him, he went down fighting. He never gave up, he never quit, and now he is free.
Don’t rely on luck, but make the decision today not only to walk against substance abuse, but to live a life free from substance abuse. God bless you in your journey and please don’t quit!
Want to share your story or inspiration with us? Email to
support@ChrisWalk.org.
support@ChrisWalk.org.
This is a Memorial written by Vicki Foley after the death of Chris.
In Memory Of Her Dead Son
At 9:45 a.m., I left home to pick-up mom at her apartment in Aurora, IL We were heading to Bloomington, IL to return Chris’ daughter, Caylee to her Nana & PawPaw. Bloomington was the halfway point between St. Charles and Litchfield. Caylee had been staying at our house since 6/28/07.
Just after noon, Larry was being picked up by a cab and taken to O’Hare Airport. He would fly to Vancouver, Canada to complete an audit at his company’s Canadian branch. He would be there through Saturday.
I returned home by 4:30 p.m. and was tired and slightly depressed; we would miss Caylee so much.
The house felt so empty to me, that I had a hard time sleeping that evening. I turned on some relaxation music and tried to sleep. Approximately 11:15 p.m., I heard a loud knock at my front door. I grabbed my robe and went to the door, thinking that it was probably Chris. When I opened the door, I saw two officers. My immediate thought was that Chris was in trouble, possibly in jail. Nothing could have prepared me for the conversation that would follow. The officers showed me a photo of Chris and asked me if I was his mother. I replied yes; they proceeded to tell me that he was dead. I thought that I had misunderstood them and asked them to repeat what they had said. It was just as I had heard it. He had been found by a friend in the upstairs bathroom of his home at 9:20 p.m., a possible overdose. An ambulance had been called and he had been taken to Delnor Hospital. They gave me a phone number to contact the hospital.
I sobbed, in disbelief. I invited the officers in; they asked if I was alone, if I had family nearby. They offered to make phone calls for me, to stay with me until someone arrived. I called Valerie; I was so sorry to have to call her with this tragic news. She was shocked and crying. I worried about her, Praveen and the baby that we had just found out that she was carrying. She and Praveen would leave immediately to be with me.
I called Robb and told him that Chris had overdosed. He asked what hospital he was at, but I had to tell him that he had died. He arrived at my house within 5 minutes. Robb called Larry, but he didn’t pick up. He called back on my cell, thinking that something was wrong with his mother. I had to tell him that it was Chris. I hated that Larry was alone.
I needed to get out of the house; Praveen and I took a walk and talked. I shared just crazy things that came to my mind about Chris.
Val and Praveen spent Sunday evening with me; sleeping in our bedroom. Robb worked with Larry to get him a flight out of Canada as soon as possible.
Still not being able to sleep, but exhausted…I stepped outside and called Larry to see how he was doing. It was just after 2 a.m. and we talked and cried for an hour. I think I finally got to sleep around 5 a.m. and slept for an hour. I knew that Chris was at peace and God had called him home, but I loved him and already missed him so much. There were so many things that I had wanted for him. It seemed like it was so little time.
Chris had been released from the Kane County Jail on Wednesday, 6/27/07 after being arrested on May 6, 2007 for credit card fraud, along with his girlfriend. He, his girlfriend and possibly her sister had stolen jewelry, tools, our camera and grill and so many other things. They sold our washer, dryer and refrigerator from the rental house to buy their heroin, the drug that finally killed my son.
Chris had originally been offered 5-years in a penitentiary, but after numerous court dates, he had been released to assist the police. He told me that there were a number of conditions, one being that he would have to serve 61 days after completing his work with the police. He was to meet with an officer.
I had been surprised when Chris appeared at my door that Wednesday evening, June 27, 2007. It was good to see him; I fed him – I liked doing that. I feared for him; he had nowhere to go, no money, no job. How would he manage? Larry and I had decided it was time that he stood on his own two feet; he could not live with us. He would have to regain our trust and we would have to heal from this last series of theft. We had to show him tough love. Chris told me that the office he was to meet with was out of town, The homeless shelter would not take him in. I felt that he had been set up for failure.
Chris and I talked pretty frequently within these weeks. He, Caylee and I went to Chuck E. Cheese’s and the waterpark together. Caylee’s face lit up every time she saw him and so did his. They loved each other so much; he had been a good father.
Chris was looking for work. He did some yard work for me and the weekend of his death was to do a paint job with his friend, Dan. The last I heard from him was that Saturday evening, just after 8 p.m. He called me to say that he had to work that Sunday, but would come to see Caylee before we left for Bloomington. He would be picked up by Dan at 8:45 a.m. and would get a ride over. He didn’t show up; I just assumed that the job fell through or he had overslept and didn’t have time to stop. I didn’t know that God was allowing me to get Caylee home before my grieving was to start. There were so many things that I didn’t know that God had put into place, unbeknown to me, preparing us for this Chris-less life ahead of us.
Monday, July 16, 2007, I had to call my boss, Bonnie. She was out of town and so was my other associate, Jeff. I knew that I had to get into work to make sure we didn’t miss anything. Val drove me to work, in Elgin that morning. I spent an hour just making sure that the essentials were done and we returned home. Now we waited for the coroner’s office to call; we waited for Larry to get in. My sister, Linda came over. I didn’t think I needed her to come, but she insisted and I was thankful she was there. We knew we wanted to have pictures at the visitation, so we went through old photo albums. They brought back so many wonderful memories of Chris, as a child, son, brother and father. We found ourselves smiling, laughing, crying. That afternoon, Amy from the coroner’s office called. They had not been to the hospital yet. They were deciding whether an autopsy would be required. After speaking with her and touching lightly on Chris’ previous drug addictions; it was decided that they would only have to draw blood for a toxicology report. This would take at least 2-3 weeks and would indicate precisely what the cause of death was. Larry arrived home shortly after 2 p.m.; I was so relieved to have him back home. I needed him so desperately. We met with the funeral home around 4 p.m. that afternoon. We had to think about the visitation and funeral service. We had to choose whether to cremate or bury Chris. We chose burial and selected a sleek, silver gray casket and a vault. Somehow, we seemed to think that Chris would have liked it. We had to find a cemetery. Larry and I met with the manager of the cemetery we chose. We had to decide whether to get a plot just for Chris or to also buy two additional plots for ourselves. We had to decide whether to be buried in an area that allowed monuments or just the flat markers. We decided to go to the monument dealer, so that we would be better informed on pricing and specifications for the cemetery. We returned to the cemetery and decided on purchasing three plots in the monument area. Now we had to decide who would perform the services.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007, a.m., I contacted my church and got an answering machine. It was just after noon and I hadn’t received any response so I called Val to see if she knew anyone. She was able to get a pastor from her church for the visitation on Wednesday, July 18, 2007; however he was not able to do the funeral service. I asked Val to contact Randy, a good friend of Val and Praveen’s and someone I had met and worked with on inmate retreats. He was able to rearrange his schedule to handle the funeral service on Thursday, July 19, 2007. Larry and I went to buy the burial clothes for Chris. We went to Kohls, one of my favorite stores. We sat and cried in the parking lot, just thinking about Chris. It was a terrible feeling to be purchasing the last clothing that Chris would ever wear. We went inside and chose black dress pants and a burgundy shirt along with his other essentials. I think Chris would have liked these. We also talked with the police department, trying to find Chris’ glasses. We were told that they were at his home, possibly on the bathroom sink. I could not go into the house and worried about Larry going, but he went and found the glasses. We never did find his earrings. My friend, Diane stopped by that afternoon and brought us turkey and ham from Heavenly Ham.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007 a.m., more errands to run. I even worked in buying new shoes for Valerie and I. They were cute black flats with small white polka dots. They made me smile. Val, Praveen and Robb arrived at our house between 2:00-2:30 p.m. and we ate the ham and turkey that Diane had brought us. We packed up water, pop and snacks for the funeral home, preparing for a long afternoon into evening at the visitation. We arrived at the funeral home at about 3:15. We set up the picture boards and other photos and looked at the beautiful floral arrangements that had been sent by our work, family and friends. I can’t really put into words how I felt when I looked at Chris in the coffin. He was so handsome and looked so at peace. I couldn’t believe that I would never see him alive again. I always thought that it was creepy when people touched the dead, but I just had to. I would miss hugging him; he was a great hugger. I had to touch his hands, feel his hair and kiss him. He was my son; I longed to hold him but couldn’t. I know that I was so blessed to have had him for 27 years and we had a wonderful relationship, more than probably most mothers are allowed in their entire lifetime, but I still wished I had had more time. I had had hopes for him, even though I knew his life would be hard. I had never given up praying and hoping. We put a Gospel of St. John, picture of Caylee holding a white rose and a painting that Caylee had made in the coffin with Chris. He would have liked that. The visitation commenced at 4 p.m. with a steady stream of family and friends. The pastor had the prayer service shortly after 6:30 p.m. He did not know our family or Chris, but spoke about addiction as a disease. He allowed people to come forward and speak about Chris. Rebecca was the first to speak. She talked about growing up as the youngest cousin and being teased by Chris, Robb and Jacob, but that Chris was cool and would sit and play video games with her. Jim T. told about the time Chris helped him put up cabinets in his garage and how well he worked with his hands. Helen spoke about the day that we were working to clean up mom’s backyard and how Chris was such a good worker. He climbed up on the roof to clean her gutters and never complained. Ruth said that even living in Missouri, she had become close with our family. We would vacation with them and she spoke about the “Little Pig” song performed by Larry, Robb, John and Chris. Nita spoke about how we had lived together and how she felt that she had helped to raise Chris. He really loved his family and was always respectful even when getting a lecture. Linda spoke about Caylee’s first birthday party in their basement. Chris had built a bean bag toss game that is still being used and she hopes to continue to use as Chris’ legacy. She said that Chris was a good father. The Pastor spoke again and mentioned that the theme he had heard from everyone was “family”. Ours was a family that cared about each other and Chris cared about his family. He mentioned Gracie Allen’s last words written to George Burns, “Never put a period, where God has put a comma. This was so true. Chris had touched lives while upon this earth, but we knew that he would continue to touch and change people’s lives through his story. The family never even went to the lounge to snack and relax. We were overwhelmed with the compassion of others. At 8 p.m., the visitation was to end. There were still a dozen or so people at the funeral home. A large storm blew into the area and it was pouring. The power at the funeral home went out around 8:30 p.m. We waited, but it never came back on. It caused an eerie feeling, as we were still in the visitation room with Chris. I somehow thought he would have seen some humor in this and maybe had something to do with it. We had people using the light from their cell phones to help us find our way to our belongings and prepare to leave. We had to wait in the foyer for some time until the rain and lightning let up for us to leave. The chivalrous of our guys went to retrieve cars. When we arrived home, our power was out as well. We went throughout the house lighting candles and finding flashlights. Val, Praveen and David, a friend of the family, were spending the night at our house. Everyone was hungry, so we found a pizza place with power and ordered out. Praveen, David and Larry picked up the pizza. After about an hour and a half, the power came back on. We chatted some about the day and then everyone prepared for bed. David would have to leave by 8 a.m. the next morning.
Thursday, July 19, 2007. I awoke early and made ham and cheese omelets for the family and David. David prayed with us and was on the road by 8 a.m. We got ready for the funeral service, a day that I really dreaded. This would be my final time to see Chris until I met him in heaven. We arrived at the funeral home about 9:15. Once again to share some family time with Chris. The service would start at 10:00 a.m. and would be conducted by Randy. Randy prayed with us and led us through a meditation exercise where we pictured Chris in heaven. We were to envision Chris asking our forgiveness for things that he had done and for us to ask his forgiveness for our shortcomings. We saw him at peace and happy in Heaven. It was a very healing exercise and helpful to all. Then he asked if anyone wanted to share any words about Chris. My mom spoke up and said that Chris was her grandson and how he had been so helpful and how much she had loved him. He had been a good boy. Larry followed sharing his memories of Chris and the many projects that they worked on together. Eriel read a poem. Valerie spoke about her baby brother and how they fought when they were little and when they were older, but she loved him and he was a good father. She would use his death to honor him. Praveen said how he was inspired by Chris. That Chris was always himself; he never tried to be something that he was not. He was a good father and Praveen hoped to be as good a father as he had been. I thanked everyone for coming and for their friendship and support. I talked about Chris and Caylee, how I loved seeing them together. Their faces lit up whenever they saw each other. He was able to make her laugh that laugh that came from way down in her belly. I would miss Chris dearly and would miss his hugs. He gave such great hugs; they were so sincere. The service finished with a prayer, the CD, “Free” by Stephen Curtis Chapman and the final viewing. We proceeded to Union Cemetery. John read the lyrics to “His Eye is on the Sparrow” and Randy followed with prayer. The immediate family including cousins went to a restaurant for lunch. I think there were twenty of us. Jim and Linda decided that they would pick up the tab. I remember, even sitting in the midst of all this family, I felt so alone. Praveen and I took a walk so that I could recompose myself. The visitation and funeral were perfect, family and friends were so supportive, but there would forever be a void in my life left by the passing of Chris. We were so close, thinking back I realize that there was probably not a week of his life, that we didn’t at least talk or see each other. I truly was blessed to have had this child and this relationship with him.
Chris, I will love you always and will always hold onto the wonderful memories we have had together. I will not forget your struggles as they were definitely a part of your life. Rest in peace, my son. I look forward to holding and hugging you again when we meet in heaven.